I wonder some times how I ever got to this place.  This place of complatancy.  This place where I’m apperently satisfied just living the day to day without learning much of anything new or exciting.  I was always so curious about everything around me, and now, I’m happy as long as I don’t get lost going somewhere new in town.  Every day’s an adventure? Right.

I’m starting to miss Amarillo.  Not miss it like…. I want to move back there.  But miss it all the same.  I miss knowing where I am at all times.  I miss knowing that I can drive just a few minutes out of town on most any road and never have to worry about getting lost.  I miss going to the Canyon and just wandering around. 

I don’t have a lot of that here.  I don’t have much of anything more than work, kids and my every day life.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to trade in what I have for anything at all.  I just want a little more…… unknown.  A little more me and a little less everyone else.

I used to belive that I could put it all on paper, close my eyes, and then be done with it.  It was as if getting it all in word form would actually help me to let go of whatever was troubling me at the moment.  Now, I believe that was untrue.  Maybe not unfounded, but not as cathartic as I’d once thought.  You see, the problem is I put it on paper, or online as it is, and then I still can’t let it go.  I think about it, and think about it, and think about it over and over and over again.  I hold a grudge to the point where I can’t even look a person in the face or I feel like I’m going to punch them in the nose just for the pleasure of it. 

I’m screaming emotionally these days.  Stress and worry consume, and I never know what road they’re going to take me down.  What bothers me about this is that I have no reason to stress and worry really.  Work is always stressful, but find someone who gets called every foul name in the book mutiple times a day and if they tell you work is not stressful, then they’re liars.  But really, even though the economy has gone to hell things are pretty good in our house.  No one is getting laid off, and we’re smart with our money so we’ve got money in savings even if something were to happen.  Yet I still can’t get my emotions in check.  I can’t get my head screwed on straight.

I just want to stand up on the top of some mountain, in the middle of no where, and scream at the top of my lungs.  Just let it fly, really fly out of my mouth and see if maybe that helps.  Maybe tonight I’ll put myself to sleep dreaming of the Canyon and hiking.  Hiking into the sunlight as the earth below me warms.  Dream of the way the sun feels on my skin and how the light breeze cools it.  Then maybe I’ll dream of taking you off the beaten path and…. taking you.  Sliding you cock into my mouth, running my toungue up and down the shaft of it, bringing you close, then stoping to tease. 

Maybe I’ll dream of these things, and maybe, just maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

I’m not a fan of the cliche of the “New Year”.  I don’t make resolutions, I don’t eat black eyed peas for good luck, I don’t see it as anything more than another day that I get double time for at work. 

But I do believe in reflection.  I believe that you should look back at the year and decide what you want to keep and what you want to get rid of.  Choose who you want to be in the next year after the lessons learned the year before. 

This year was pretty uneventful for me.  I did learn that I love my husband more than anyone on earth.  Even in the bad times he is the one I count on, the one I run to.  Nothing can or will ever change that.  I learned that just because someone is family doesn’t mean that you have to like what they do, or keep your mouth shut about it either.  I learned that old friends re-enter your life and do so for a reason.  I learned that other friends take a step back and keep their distance, like it or not. 

I learned that someone else’s hurt, anger and hatefullness is not worth my own.  Just because someone chooses to act that way towards me doesn’t mean that I have to be hurt or angry over the situation. 

I think I became stronger this year.  Stronger in my believe in myself and those I’ve chosen to place around me.  Stronger in the ability to choose who I want in my life, bound by blood or marriage, or not.  This year was about lessons in choice, lessons in growth of personal character. 

Toast to next year and the will to keep moving forward in life, to keep learning about oneself and the world around them.

I didn’t know that life without my mother could be so difficult.  I didn’t know because I had no reason to experience it.  But now, after not speaking with her for over 2 weeks, I know that it’s harder than I would have ever thought.

Family dissagreements are hard to look at.  I was good at them when I was younger.  Generally the cause of them acutally.  But now, I’m not so good at it.  I don’t like to fight, I don’t like confrontation the way I used to.  I used to thrive on it, and now I just get shaky hands and get so worked up I cry.  So when I got in a fight with my mother a few weeks ago, a real fight, like I’ve never done with her, I thought I could just live though the next few days until she called and prentended it never happened.  But two weeks later, she hasn’t, and I haven’t called her either.  I won’t.  I didn’t do anything wrong.  She made bad choices and I called her out on them, just honesty.  So it’s her call. 

I’ve wanted to call her, I’ve almost dialed the number, but I haven’t, and I’ll stick with my resolve and not do so….. Stubborn, I know.  It’s nothing new.

But I didn’t think it would happen in this situation.

My how time passes, changes things, life. 

It was good to see you today.  Good to see you standing there looking happy and healthy, looking like…. you.  I realized about halfway home what it was that I kept trying to figure out but couldn’t quite get.  You hugged me.    You’re not a hugger.  At least, you weren’t the last time we saw each other.  It was nice.  Good.  Right.

I’ve missed you, and while I knew that there was a part of me that missed you, I didn’t realize how much I’ve missed you.  How do you do that?  How do you make me laugh?  How do you create nerve and unease, and complete comfort all at once?  Mystery prevails.

It was good to see you, really.  Painful in a way.  Not in a way that makes me regret it.  Just….. it’s like looking into a crystal ball of what could have been, even knowing now, that it wouldn’t have been right, it could have… BEEN.  You asked what I was thinking about, and I said nothing.  In reality I was thinking of you, and how easy it was to be with you, at least after the first 5 minutes.  I was thinking of what it could have been like.  I was thinking of the way even after all this time there’s something there, and that there always will be, and how it’s something I’ll never be able to act on.  I was thinking of how good it felt to be in Kansas City again, with the trees like they’re on fire and the world at my finger-tips.  I was thinking of how life changes and passes, so quickly that you don’t even know it’s happening, and all this time is wasted.  I was thinking of how we need to make lunch a regular event.  Maybe not every few weeks, but more often than now, every 4 years is a long time.  I was thinking how it’s odd that there was a time in the past 4 years that you were not a part of my life and how empty that makes things. 

How do you do it?  How do you make me think?  How do you make me wonder what it is that you’re thinking when you’re staring at me, not saying anything and knowing that I’m not going to ask what you’re thinking about. 

I’m tired, very, very tired.  But I wanted you to know what was going on in my pretty little head.  And, if I didn’t say so earlier, thank you for lunch, and thank you for saying things like “beautiful” even though you know I won’t believe you. 

It was good to see you…..

I know it’s been a while.  I know that I haven’t been loyal to those who care enough to come here and check things out day after day to see if I really have bothered to write anything new.  I’m sorry for that, for you. 

Life has been busy.  It’s been busy with work, kids, and the thoughts that constantly run through my pretty little head.  It’s been hectic with trying to keep up.  Just trying to stay above water. 

I have nightmares on a pretty regular basis these days.  Dreams so vivid that I wake up in a cold sweat, on the verge of screaming at the top of my lungs.  Colorful, dark, and desolate things that make me fear for the lives of those I love. 

I’ve always believed that I’d lose those around me that I care about most.  Those whom I know I couldn’t live without.  The ones who if they leave before I do, I’m destined to stay in bed for months on end not getting up, not living any more.  And those are the dreams, in vivid detail, that have haunted me the past few nights.  

I’m sure it’s lack of relaxation.  Entirely too much stress.  Maybe it’s just fear of myself and the way I have a tendancy to destroy the good around me.  No matter the reason, it scares me.  And I don’t want to be alone in my fear, in my hurt.  I want to be in the arms of someone who actually cares, who’s strong and will keep me safe, rather than my having to always keep those around me safe. 

It’s time for bed now.  It was time an hour ago, but to close my eyes is to bring my worst nightmares to life.