This may be the first of many.  It may be the way I talk to you when there are things I want to say and feel like I can’t say them to you.  So much easier to put them on paper and have you read them, especially since I have no way of knowing if you will infact read them or not.  Maybe putting the things I feel and think here will help me to get them out in a place where they’re safe.  A place where I can say what I want to say and not have to worry about what anyone else thinks or feels about them.

Things like the way I can’t stop thinking about you.  Or how when driving home today I thought about how lovely it would be to be coming home to you, to your soft touch, your amazing hands.  Oh how I love those hands on my skin.  They do things to me you cannot possibly imagine.  Some times I lay in bed at night and simply remember how it felt to have you touching me lightly, running your hands across my back and chest and face and in my hair.  Those are the nights when I fall the most peacfully asleep.  The most quickly to sleep….

You’re there, always.  Just know that.

I think about you.  About taking you in my arms and kissing you.  About having your hands in my hair feeling the silkiness of it as we take one another in breath by breath.  I think about feeling my fingers intertwined in yours and our legs tangled together while we just lay side by side and talk.  I think about having dinner and watching bad movies, I think about what life would be like had things been just a little bit different.  I think about falling head over heels for you and how good that would feel.

Just some of the things I think right now when I need some love, some attention that I’m not getting in other places, the places it SHOULD come from.  Some of the thoughts scare me even though they all make me tingly inside too.  I’m confused and broken right now…..  I’d like nothing more than for a knight in shining armour to come in and sweep me off my feet and save me from myself.  But the one thing I know after years of dreaming, is that there’s no such thing and the only person who can save me, is me. 

Wonder how I’d look in shining armour…….

I used to belive that I could put it all on paper, close my eyes, and then be done with it.  It was as if getting it all in word form would actually help me to let go of whatever was troubling me at the moment.  Now, I believe that was untrue.  Maybe not unfounded, but not as cathartic as I’d once thought.  You see, the problem is I put it on paper, or online as it is, and then I still can’t let it go.  I think about it, and think about it, and think about it over and over and over again.  I hold a grudge to the point where I can’t even look a person in the face or I feel like I’m going to punch them in the nose just for the pleasure of it. 

I’m screaming emotionally these days.  Stress and worry consume, and I never know what road they’re going to take me down.  What bothers me about this is that I have no reason to stress and worry really.  Work is always stressful, but find someone who gets called every foul name in the book mutiple times a day and if they tell you work is not stressful, then they’re liars.  But really, even though the economy has gone to hell things are pretty good in our house.  No one is getting laid off, and we’re smart with our money so we’ve got money in savings even if something were to happen.  Yet I still can’t get my emotions in check.  I can’t get my head screwed on straight.

I just want to stand up on the top of some mountain, in the middle of no where, and scream at the top of my lungs.  Just let it fly, really fly out of my mouth and see if maybe that helps.  Maybe tonight I’ll put myself to sleep dreaming of the Canyon and hiking.  Hiking into the sunlight as the earth below me warms.  Dream of the way the sun feels on my skin and how the light breeze cools it.  Then maybe I’ll dream of taking you off the beaten path and…. taking you.  Sliding you cock into my mouth, running my toungue up and down the shaft of it, bringing you close, then stoping to tease. 

Maybe I’ll dream of these things, and maybe, just maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

I’m not a fan of the cliche of the “New Year”.  I don’t make resolutions, I don’t eat black eyed peas for good luck, I don’t see it as anything more than another day that I get double time for at work. 

But I do believe in reflection.  I believe that you should look back at the year and decide what you want to keep and what you want to get rid of.  Choose who you want to be in the next year after the lessons learned the year before. 

This year was pretty uneventful for me.  I did learn that I love my husband more than anyone on earth.  Even in the bad times he is the one I count on, the one I run to.  Nothing can or will ever change that.  I learned that just because someone is family doesn’t mean that you have to like what they do, or keep your mouth shut about it either.  I learned that old friends re-enter your life and do so for a reason.  I learned that other friends take a step back and keep their distance, like it or not. 

I learned that someone else’s hurt, anger and hatefullness is not worth my own.  Just because someone chooses to act that way towards me doesn’t mean that I have to be hurt or angry over the situation. 

I think I became stronger this year.  Stronger in my believe in myself and those I’ve chosen to place around me.  Stronger in the ability to choose who I want in my life, bound by blood or marriage, or not.  This year was about lessons in choice, lessons in growth of personal character. 

Toast to next year and the will to keep moving forward in life, to keep learning about oneself and the world around them.

I didn’t know that life without my mother could be so difficult.  I didn’t know because I had no reason to experience it.  But now, after not speaking with her for over 2 weeks, I know that it’s harder than I would have ever thought.

Family dissagreements are hard to look at.  I was good at them when I was younger.  Generally the cause of them acutally.  But now, I’m not so good at it.  I don’t like to fight, I don’t like confrontation the way I used to.  I used to thrive on it, and now I just get shaky hands and get so worked up I cry.  So when I got in a fight with my mother a few weeks ago, a real fight, like I’ve never done with her, I thought I could just live though the next few days until she called and prentended it never happened.  But two weeks later, she hasn’t, and I haven’t called her either.  I won’t.  I didn’t do anything wrong.  She made bad choices and I called her out on them, just honesty.  So it’s her call. 

I’ve wanted to call her, I’ve almost dialed the number, but I haven’t, and I’ll stick with my resolve and not do so….. Stubborn, I know.  It’s nothing new.

But I didn’t think it would happen in this situation.

My how time passes, changes things, life. 

It was good to see you today.  Good to see you standing there looking happy and healthy, looking like…. you.  I realized about halfway home what it was that I kept trying to figure out but couldn’t quite get.  You hugged me.    You’re not a hugger.  At least, you weren’t the last time we saw each other.  It was nice.  Good.  Right.

I’ve missed you, and while I knew that there was a part of me that missed you, I didn’t realize how much I’ve missed you.  How do you do that?  How do you make me laugh?  How do you create nerve and unease, and complete comfort all at once?  Mystery prevails.

It was good to see you, really.  Painful in a way.  Not in a way that makes me regret it.  Just….. it’s like looking into a crystal ball of what could have been, even knowing now, that it wouldn’t have been right, it could have… BEEN.  You asked what I was thinking about, and I said nothing.  In reality I was thinking of you, and how easy it was to be with you, at least after the first 5 minutes.  I was thinking of what it could have been like.  I was thinking of the way even after all this time there’s something there, and that there always will be, and how it’s something I’ll never be able to act on.  I was thinking of how good it felt to be in Kansas City again, with the trees like they’re on fire and the world at my finger-tips.  I was thinking of how life changes and passes, so quickly that you don’t even know it’s happening, and all this time is wasted.  I was thinking of how we need to make lunch a regular event.  Maybe not every few weeks, but more often than now, every 4 years is a long time.  I was thinking how it’s odd that there was a time in the past 4 years that you were not a part of my life and how empty that makes things. 

How do you do it?  How do you make me think?  How do you make me wonder what it is that you’re thinking when you’re staring at me, not saying anything and knowing that I’m not going to ask what you’re thinking about. 

I’m tired, very, very tired.  But I wanted you to know what was going on in my pretty little head.  And, if I didn’t say so earlier, thank you for lunch, and thank you for saying things like “beautiful” even though you know I won’t believe you. 

It was good to see you…..