How do you….?
My how time passes, changes things, life.
It was good to see you today. Good to see you standing there looking happy and healthy, looking like…. you. I realized about halfway home what it was that I kept trying to figure out but couldn’t quite get. You hugged me. You’re not a hugger. At least, you weren’t the last time we saw each other. It was nice. Good. Right.
I’ve missed you, and while I knew that there was a part of me that missed you, I didn’t realize how much I’ve missed you. How do you do that? How do you make me laugh? How do you create nerve and unease, and complete comfort all at once? Mystery prevails.
It was good to see you, really. Painful in a way. Not in a way that makes me regret it. Just….. it’s like looking into a crystal ball of what could have been, even knowing now, that it wouldn’t have been right, it could have… BEEN. You asked what I was thinking about, and I said nothing. In reality I was thinking of you, and how easy it was to be with you, at least after the first 5 minutes. I was thinking of what it could have been like. I was thinking of the way even after all this time there’s something there, and that there always will be, and how it’s something I’ll never be able to act on. I was thinking of how good it felt to be in Kansas City again, with the trees like they’re on fire and the world at my finger-tips. I was thinking of how life changes and passes, so quickly that you don’t even know it’s happening, and all this time is wasted. I was thinking of how we need to make lunch a regular event. Maybe not every few weeks, but more often than now, every 4 years is a long time. I was thinking how it’s odd that there was a time in the past 4 years that you were not a part of my life and how empty that makes things.
How do you do it? How do you make me think? How do you make me wonder what it is that you’re thinking when you’re staring at me, not saying anything and knowing that I’m not going to ask what you’re thinking about.
I’m tired, very, very tired. But I wanted you to know what was going on in my pretty little head. And, if I didn’t say so earlier, thank you for lunch, and thank you for saying things like “beautiful” even though you know I won’t believe you.
It was good to see you…..
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