I used to belive that I could put it all on paper, close my eyes, and then be done with it.  It was as if getting it all in word form would actually help me to let go of whatever was troubling me at the moment.  Now, I believe that was untrue.  Maybe not unfounded, but not as cathartic as I’d once thought.  You see, the problem is I put it on paper, or online as it is, and then I still can’t let it go.  I think about it, and think about it, and think about it over and over and over again.  I hold a grudge to the point where I can’t even look a person in the face or I feel like I’m going to punch them in the nose just for the pleasure of it. 

I’m screaming emotionally these days.  Stress and worry consume, and I never know what road they’re going to take me down.  What bothers me about this is that I have no reason to stress and worry really.  Work is always stressful, but find someone who gets called every foul name in the book mutiple times a day and if they tell you work is not stressful, then they’re liars.  But really, even though the economy has gone to hell things are pretty good in our house.  No one is getting laid off, and we’re smart with our money so we’ve got money in savings even if something were to happen.  Yet I still can’t get my emotions in check.  I can’t get my head screwed on straight.

I just want to stand up on the top of some mountain, in the middle of no where, and scream at the top of my lungs.  Just let it fly, really fly out of my mouth and see if maybe that helps.  Maybe tonight I’ll put myself to sleep dreaming of the Canyon and hiking.  Hiking into the sunlight as the earth below me warms.  Dream of the way the sun feels on my skin and how the light breeze cools it.  Then maybe I’ll dream of taking you off the beaten path and…. taking you.  Sliding you cock into my mouth, running my toungue up and down the shaft of it, bringing you close, then stoping to tease. 

Maybe I’ll dream of these things, and maybe, just maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

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